Owning My Sins

Hi, my name is Dan and I’m a recovering addict to pornography.  In my experience, I’ve come to realize that when there is conflict between two people, one person is rarely if ever completely at fault.  The old saying is: “It takes two to tango”.  And I believe this is true.  If one party refuses to fight, then there is no fight.  As an addict, I’ve found myself going to two extremes.  On one side, I tend to blame myself completely for everything that ever goes wrong in a situation.  On the other side, I find myself blaming others completely for all the wrong.  Both of these extremes are wrong.  I've been able to find the truth somewhere in the middle through Step 4, Truth.

The goal of Step 4 is to write a searching and fearless personal moral inventory of oneself.  This was always the most daunting and scary of steps for me.  It is very hard to face all the wrong I have done.  But putting it off only delays the healing process and sets me up for further failure.  To write my inventory, I had to work on it every day.  I couldn’t work on it for too long or I wouldn’t be able to function in my other responsibilities.  But I had to write something every day until it was done.  It took me several months.  And I had to pray before I began each day for the courage to be able to do it and to ask the Lord for guidance and protection. 

In writing my inventory, I found that the Lord was able to help me remember all the things (Moroni 10:5) that I needed write about.  He guided me to be complete and to find other weaknesses and addictions besides pornography.  I was able to find additional things I needed to confess to my bishop.  He also helped me to be able to fully understand myself and to understand the causes and environment which led me to pornography in the first place.  I was able to see with clarity my own role and the role of others in the events and situations I inventoried.  Writing my personal inventory helped me to own my sins.  It helped me to understand my own faults and their full extent.  It helped me to not put too much blame on myself, but also to not foist it off on others.  It helped me to fully understand the exact nature of my sins and to own them.  This owning of my sins is very important because it helped me to know exactly what I need to repent of.  It helped me to avoid the pitfalls of inadequate repentance as well as self blame for what is not my concern.  Writing my personal inventory helped me to only focus on my own sins and not the sins of others.

Through writing my personal inventory, I have been able to witness a miracle.  Once I inventoried some event or pattern of behavior in my life, it no longer harrowed me up (Alma 36:9).  It didn’t weigh me down.  I was able to turn it over to the Lord and he could do with it what he would.  I know that the inventory isn’t the end of the repentance process, but it is a critical step.