Getting to Know Myself

Hi.  My name is Dan and I'm a recovering addict to pornography.  Step four was really hard for me.  I knew I had to do it and I knew that it was vital to my recovery.  I didn't want to slip-up or relapse.  I wanted full recovery, so I took counsel from the ARP manual and prayed for comfort, courage, and guidance.  I couldn't write it all in one go, so I worked on it a little every day along with my scripture study.  Before beginning, I would pray asking for the comfort, courage, and guidance I needed to be able to work on it.  And when I was done for the day, I would pray again expressing thanks for the help I'd received.  I found that many things needing to be inventoried would come to my mind, so in the back of the notebook I was using, I would write short prompts which I could refer to later.  It took me several months to finish. 

As I was working step four, I felt that I should go back and read my old journals.  One thing I've done well since I was 13 was writing in my journal (almost) daily.  As I'd written in my journals I'd wondered who would ever want to read the boring and embarrassing account of my life.  But I realized that I hadn't written them for anyone else, that I was my own intended audience.  Through my journals I was able to remember things that should have gone in my inventory.  But more than that, through reading my journals I was able to get to know myself and my past, both the bad and the good. 

As I read through my teenage years, my heart reached out to that young man.  I understood the pain and loneliness he was feeling.  I wanted to hug him and tell him that the feelings of worthlessness he was feeling weren't from the Lord.  I wanted to tell him that the things he deeply desired, forgiveness, freedom from addiction, and being able to feel love would come.  As I read about the life of this young man, I began to see him as a beloved son of an Eternal Father.  I shared some of these feelings with Faith and she asked me, "Do you love him?"  I was dumbfounded.  I did love him.  Soon it dawned on me that that young man was me.  For the first time in my life, I really began to believe that I was worth loving and that I loved myself.

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf shared these words in the 2010 April General Conference: "One woman who had been through years of trial and sorrow said through her tears, 'I have come to realize that I am like an old 20-dollar bill—crumpled, torn, dirty, abused, and scarred. But I am still a 20-dollar bill. I am worth something.'"  Working on my step 4 inventory and reading my journals was one of the most difficult and painful things I've ever undertaken, but it was infinitely worth it because of the blessings I have received through it.