Hitting Rock Bottom

Hi, I'm Dan and I'm a recovery addict to pornography.  The Church is asking for submissions from individuals who've experienced recovery from addictions for a new Addiction Recovery Program website.  I'm currently working on my story.  Here is the first part of it which describes when I hit rock bottom.

I was at my lowest when I had relapsed into pornography addiction after over two years of sobriety.  I was taking a full load of classes in grad school and working 40 hours a week while trying to support my pregnant wife and three children, ages 5 and under.  Because I was so busy and tired, I neglected my personal scripture study, I prayed out of habit rather than out of a desire to communicate with my Heavenly Father, and I became insincere in church service often neglecting my duties all together.  I proudly thought I was strong enough to bear my burdens and responsibilities alone and didn’t need to rely on the Lord.  I sought relief from the tremendous strain of my responsibilities not by turning to my Savior but by returning to my pornography addiction. 

My relapse into pornography addiction happened because I was spiritually weak and not fully committed to living the gospel daily.  It weakened me further and drove the Holy Ghost out of my life when I needed Him most.  I saw myself as a wretched, worthless excuse for a human being and felt like I was failing in every aspect of my life.  My relationship with my wife was deteriorating and we were growing farther apart.  I easily lost my temper with my children and mistreated them.  I had no real connection or emotional relationships with anyone, not even my own family.  I was not the person I wanted to be.  I knew that my actions were doing heavy damage especially in my marriage and my relationships with my children.  I felt so ashamed of having relapsed, and I thought I would lose everything I held dear if I admitted to my wife that I was caught up in addiction once again though my actions were causing me to lose it anyway.  I felt so alone.  I felt like I had no one to whom I could turn for relief.  I felt that I must bear all my burdens alone.  Even my prayers seemed to fall on deaf ears because I was doing things according to my will and not the Lord’s.  I felt unloved and abandoned by God and everyone else. 

Then after a horrible telephone conversation with my wife in which I lied and manipulated and acted selfishly and hypocritically, I realized that my life was out of control and I needed help.  I had attended ARP meetings in the past, but stopped when I thought I was finished working the steps as if I had passed it off like a merit badge.  I realized that I needed to return and work the 12 steps with greater sincerity and reliance on the Lord Jesus Christ.  I prayed and felt the Spirit for the first time in a long time telling me that I needed to call my wife and confess immediately.  So I did.  It was one of the most difficult steps I’ve ever had to take, but the Lord was finally with me because I was taking my first step back toward the path where he wanted me.