God Loves Me Anyway

Faith and I come from the perspective of members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, whose members are commonly referred to as Mormons.  The Church teaches the sanctity of marriage and the importance of chastity.  These views are increasingly at odds with what the secular world teaches.

In Matthew 5:48, Jesus said, “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.”  This is a tall order and as a member of the Church I find myself thinking that I have to become perfect now, in this life.  But it has been made abundantly clear to me that this perfection isn’t going to be reached in mortality, but in immortality as made possible through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  That doesn’t mean I can give up, but that I must always strive to improve myself while not getting discouraged or distracted.  That is still hard, but it IS possible.  Jesus Christ will make up what I lack and I can be perfected in Him.  

Because of that false sense of needing to be perfect right now in all things, I’ve found myself putting up a façade of perfection, that everything is perfect.  I’m perfect, my life is perfect, my family is perfect.  I don’t have any problems and I don’t need anyone’s help because I’m perfect.  Obviously this is a charade, but I've see it in others too.  I know that I’m not really perfect, and that I’ve got plenty of problems and that my family has suffered because of my addiction to pornography.  Since I feel this amazing pressure to be/appear perfect, I've constructed a web of lies to make it seem real.  Since I knew I was living a double life, I was afraid of anyone penetrating the mask and finding out the truth.  I've experienced an unbearable sense of shame when I've thought about what would happen if anyone finds out.

One thing that is common to pornography addicts is that overpowering sense of shame.  Shame is different than guilt.  Guilt is the knowledge that I have done or am doing something wrong.  Shame is the debilitating sense that others finding that out will be the worst and most devastating thing to ever happen in my life.  Guilt can lead me to seek help to change for the better.  Shame isolates me and prevents me from seeking help and will not allow me to change for the better, only for the worse.  I am intimately familiar with both guilt and shame.  

I'm tired of being ashamed and always thinking "What will people think if they find out?"  I’m tired of telling myself lies that they will ostracize me and hate me for what I’ve done.  I’m tired of living in fear and always trying to hide from or skirt the issue of pornography addiction, or the fact that I attend weekly recovery meetings.

I’m not afraid anymore because I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me and that other people still love me and see the good in me.  I’m learning to see the good in me too and I’m finally feeling the love that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have for me.  I know that healing can also come to everyone who has been affected by pornography addiction.  That path is through Jesus Christ.  He said “I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me (John 14:6).”