Owning My Sins

Hi, my name is Dan and I’m a recovering addict to pornography.  In my experience, I’ve come to realize that when there is conflict between two people, one person is rarely if ever completely at fault.  The old saying is: “It takes two to tango”.  And I believe this is true.  If one party refuses to fight, then there is no fight.  As an addict, I’ve found myself going to two extremes.  On one side, I tend to blame myself completely for everything that ever goes wrong in a situation.  On the other side, I find myself blaming others completely for all the wrong.  Both of these extremes are wrong.  I've been able to find the truth somewhere in the middle through Step 4, Truth.

The goal of Step 4 is to write a searching and fearless personal moral inventory of oneself.  This was always the most daunting and scary of steps for me.  It is very hard to face all the wrong I have done.  But putting it off only delays the healing process and sets me up for further failure.  To write my inventory, I had to work on it every day.  I couldn’t work on it for too long or I wouldn’t be able to function in my other responsibilities.  But I had to write something every day until it was done.  It took me several months.  And I had to pray before I began each day for the courage to be able to do it and to ask the Lord for guidance and protection. 

In writing my inventory, I found that the Lord was able to help me remember all the things (Moroni 10:5) that I needed write about.  He guided me to be complete and to find other weaknesses and addictions besides pornography.  I was able to find additional things I needed to confess to my bishop.  He also helped me to be able to fully understand myself and to understand the causes and environment which led me to pornography in the first place.  I was able to see with clarity my own role and the role of others in the events and situations I inventoried.  Writing my personal inventory helped me to own my sins.  It helped me to understand my own faults and their full extent.  It helped me to not put too much blame on myself, but also to not foist it off on others.  It helped me to fully understand the exact nature of my sins and to own them.  This owning of my sins is very important because it helped me to know exactly what I need to repent of.  It helped me to avoid the pitfalls of inadequate repentance as well as self blame for what is not my concern.  Writing my personal inventory helped me to only focus on my own sins and not the sins of others.

Through writing my personal inventory, I have been able to witness a miracle.  Once I inventoried some event or pattern of behavior in my life, it no longer harrowed me up (Alma 36:9).  It didn’t weigh me down.  I was able to turn it over to the Lord and he could do with it what he would.  I know that the inventory isn’t the end of the repentance process, but it is a critical step.

I'm Not Just Working a 12 Step Program...I am Reaching Out for Him

I remember at one of my first 12 Step meetings expressing that I KNEW that the Savior had suffered and died for my sins.  I KNEW that he had felt my pains and carried my burdens and sorrows.  I KNEW that there was power in his atonement and that I could find healing in my life.  But somehow KNOWING these facts wasn't enough for me.  I still did not understand how to access the power of the atonement in my own life.  It was still out of reach for me.

Now, I have been an active member of the church my whole life.  I was a seminary graduate, I got my Young Womanhood Recognition Award, I went to church schools, I read my scriptures regularly, I sang in church regularly, I never even french kissed a man till after I was married, I bore my testimony often, I shared the gospel with others, I didn't watch rated R movies,  I prayed daily,  I served an honorable mission, I married in the temple, and still, notwithstanding all of this I STILL didn't understand how to activate the power of the atonement in my own life.  I could write it down on paper and explain the mechanics of it all to anyone but I hadn't experienced it for myself.  And how could I?  I don't think I even knew what my sins where before the 12 step program.  I was too busy trying to get by without a Savior and keeping rules out of fear.  I would often pray, "please forgive my sins and weaknesses" (even though I have no idea what they are and therefore can do nothing to fix my wrongs nor change and become different).  That is just not very effective!  Step 4 will fix that problem I tell you what!!

I wanted to share this video called, "A Woman of Faith".  I love it because this woman had an "issue of blood" for 12 years.  That is a long time.  I've had an "issue of co-dependency" like, um, about 30 years.  This woman knew that if she could just touch Christ's clothes that she would be healed.  She had to do some sort of action on her own part to be healed.  Well, so do I.  There are actions that I have to take to be healed.  I have found easy steps that I can understand and complete that do activate the atonement in my own life.  12 steps to be exact.  So I am not just "working the program"  I am reaching just like this woman.

I am reaching out for him...  

My Brothers

Hi, my name is Dan and I’m a recovering addict to pornography.  As I’ve attended ARP Pornography Addiction Support Group (PASG, pronounced “passage”) meetings, I’ve come to love the other men who have this addiction as my brothers.  My heart opens up to them and I want them all to feel the hope and healing that I have felt (and feel) as I repent and work toward recovery.  I have a friend who refers to the men attending PASG meetings as “The Brotherhood of Paul and Alma”.  I really like that term because both Paul and Alma were going around seeking to destroy the Lord’s church on the earth when they were young.  Both of them had miraculous experiences which turned their hearts.  They both considered themselves to be vile sinners before they turned to the Lord, sought forgiveness, and followed Jesus Christ.  For the remainder of their lives, they were ardent supporters and preachers of righteousness.  Their examples give me hope that I can be as steadfast as they were and that all my brothers in the PASG meetings (and those who don’t attend) can too.  Paul and Alma are my brothers.

As I study and read the scriptures, I do it with a new perspective, that of a recovering addict, and I’ve found other men in the scriptures that were like Paul and Alma.  The sons of Mosiah (Ammon, Aaron, Omner, and Himni) were Alma’s buddies and partners in crime.  They went about trying to destroy the church (Mosiah 27:10).  But like Alma, they were converted, stayed faithful, and were amazing builders in the Lord’s kingdom.  I like to think of them as addicts.  In Mosiah 27:8,11, it describes Alma and (by association) the sons of Mosiah as idolatrous men and that “they were going about rebelling against God”.  I think that idolatry can be applied to anything to which we put a higher priority than God.  So for me, pornography is idolatry.  If I choose to act out in my addiction, then I’m being idolatrous and I’m rebelling against God.  In that sense, I feel a strong kinship with the sons of Mosiah.  But they repented and changed.  They stayed faithful until the end of their lives and brought to pass much righteousness.  Ammon, Aaron, Omner, and Himni are my brothers.

Next I discovered that Amulek was also an “addict”.  In Alma 10:4-5, Amulek says “I have seen much of [the Lord’s] mysteries and marvelous power … nevertheless, I did harden my heart, for I was called many times and I would not hear … therefore I went on rebelling against God”.  There it is again, he was rebelling against God despite what he knew.  In Alma 10:4, he describes himself as “a man of no small reputation” with “many kindreds and friends” and having “much riches by the hand of my industry”.  It could be said that Amulek was also idolatrous because he put his reputation and riches ahead of God.   But Amulek also changed and despite losing everything including his family, he stayed faithful to the end (Alma 14, & 15:18).  Amulek is my brother.  

Then there’s Zeezrom.  Zeezrom is often portrayed in Sunday School classes as the bad guy trying to foil and tempt Alma and Amulek.  But that’s just the beginning of Zeezrom’s story!  Sunday School teachers often skip over the fact that in Alma 12, Zeezrom began to genuinely ask questions, not because he wanted to trip Alma and Amulek up in their words, but because he really felt the Spirit and wanted to know.  Zeezrom's "soul began to be harrowed up udner a consciousness of his own guilt" and "he began to be encircled about by the pains of hell" (Alma 14:6) because of his sins.  Zeezrom was thrown out of Ammonihah with the rest of the believing men and subsequently lost everything, including his family, just like Amulek.  Zeezrom is my brother.

Corianton was Alma’s youngest son and I’m so thankful for him because his example is one that hits very close to home.  Corianton had a sex addiction.  He went “after the harlot Isabel” and had to be called to repentance.  Alma’s counsel to Corianton in Alma 39 was put there for all of us who struggle with sexual addictions.  Alma doesn’t sugar coat his words in counseling Corianton, he lays it out bluntly.  But the greatest part is that there was hope for Corianton.  He COULD repent.  He DID repent.  And he stayed faithful presumably to the end (Alma 63:10).  Corianton is my brother.

I have so much more to say along these lines, but that is for another blog post.  The message of this blog post is that there HOPE.  There is hope that I can be forgiven of my sins.  There is hope that I can be delivered from my addictions.  There is hope that my weaknesses can be turned into strengths.  When I study the scriptures, I find hope because others have trod similar paths to mine.  They found hope and they stayed faithful to the end despite the fact that some of them suffered heavy losses on their journeys to recovery.  They worked mighty miracles when they gave their wills over to the Lord.  If I turn my will over to the Lord and follow the examples of my brothers in the scriptures, I can stay faithful to the end as well and so can all my modern day brothers who struggle as I do.  I love you my brothers.

Honesty and Truth

I LOVE the 12 step program so much!  The first Step in the LDS Addiction Recovery Program (ARP) Pornography Addiction Support Group (PASG) meetings is Honesty and the fourth is Truth.  Wow.  Honesty and truth.  Those are such powerful words.  As I have tried to live and understand these two principles my life has become more empowered, has greater meaning, is filled with more confidence, and less anxiety, and has the potential for great love and more meaningful relationships with others.  As I am willing to be honest with myself, REALLY HONEST, God will teach me things that I need to know and understand.  As if he were my personal psychotherapist or something (can you think of a better one to have?).  He opens my eyes and unfolds things to my understanding when I am ready to be really honest and to accept the truth.  I am learning to not be afraid of being honest.  I am learning to love the truth not run away from it or be afraid to face it.  I am learning not to be afraid to speak the truth and follow the path that God has for me.  "And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free". John 8:32

I am currently listening to, for the second time (and not the last) the audiobook "The Seven Wonders That Will Change Your Life" by Glenn Beck and Keith Ablow, M.D.  My sis-in-law told Dan that she was reading it and that it was changing her and her husband's life.  Dan listened to it and he told me that the book was great.  I speculatively listened to it.  I thought it was outrageous how the authors said that it would change my life.  I doubted it could.  But you know what...it has.  I think that the reason it is so powerful is that it focuses so much on truth and honesty in our lives (Steps 1 and 4 of the ARP).  It really resonated with me because it is the story of an alcoholic and cocaine addict (Glenn Beck) who lost everything...his family and even his will to live and how he let honesty, truth, a 12 step program and the atonement of Jesus Christ change his life.  He found the truth, he learned from his mistakes, he built a new life, he became a new man and now he influences millions of people as he speaks honestly to the American public through radio, television, internet, and magazines.  He has built a truly wonderful and meaningful life and he came from laying in the fetal position on his shag green carpet as a divorced addict on Christmas Eve contemplating suicide.  Wow!!  He is such a good example of being honest and telling the truth.  He is one of the people who has inspired me to be truthful about my life, myself, my story and be able to share it with others. He helped me to know that my life can make a difference.  That I can make a difference in the lives of others who suffer from the effects of pornography addiction if I will speak the truth and be honest.  Oh, how I love this book!!

A few quotes from it that are meaningful to me:

There appears to be a conscience in mankind which severely punishes the man who does not somehow and at some time, at whatever cost to his pride, cease to defend and assert himself, and instead confess himself fallible and human.  Until he can do this, an impenetrable wall shuts him out from the living experience of feeling himself a man among men.  Here we find a key to the great significance of true, unstereotyped confession - a significance known in all the initiation and mystery cults of the ancient world, as shown by a saying from the Greek Mysteries: "Give up what thou hast, and thou will receive."
~Carl Jung

"Pretty crazy, right?  Not really.  By sharing your truth with others, you are empowered.  I know Glenn has experienced this first hand.  He often talks about the fact that he has felt stronger after allowing others insight into times when he was weak.  There is no defeat in admitting your fear and pain.  It is, in fact, in feeling and facing these emotions, in embracing your humanity and vulnerability, rather than denying these qualities, that you find genuine courage.  Because you find yourself connected to all of humanity."
(The Seven Wonders That Will Change Your Life pg. 41)

It takes courage to be honest and tell the truth.  Here is a quote about courage: "Courage is a gift that is often opened with trembling hands and it can come in many different forms....Finding the courage inside you is finding God.  And God helps clear the way for your purest and best intentions.....We all -every single one of us- have moments in life that call upon us to demonstrate courage, to say what we really mean and do what we believe is the right thing to do, even when it is very, very difficult.  These moments are not accidents.  They are moments when you are being tapped on the shoulder of God of Fate or Love or whatever force in the universe that speaks to you and gives your existence meaning.  You are being pressed to bring the best of yourself to life."
(The Seven Wonders That Will Change Your Life pgs. 43-45)

I truly believe that this is what needs to happen with pornography addiction. I think that as people are willing to admit they are human and have follies and sins the shame of pornography addiction will go away and people will be able to get help and families will heal.  I feel like this is something I can do.  I believe I can make a difference.  If this cause moves you I invite you to speak honestly and help become part of the solution and help dispel the shame.

Love,
Faith

Hitting Rock Bottom

Hi, I'm Dan and I'm a recovery addict to pornography.  The Church is asking for submissions from individuals who've experienced recovery from addictions for a new Addiction Recovery Program website.  I'm currently working on my story.  Here is the first part of it which describes when I hit rock bottom.

I was at my lowest when I had relapsed into pornography addiction after over two years of sobriety.  I was taking a full load of classes in grad school and working 40 hours a week while trying to support my pregnant wife and three children, ages 5 and under.  Because I was so busy and tired, I neglected my personal scripture study, I prayed out of habit rather than out of a desire to communicate with my Heavenly Father, and I became insincere in church service often neglecting my duties all together.  I proudly thought I was strong enough to bear my burdens and responsibilities alone and didn’t need to rely on the Lord.  I sought relief from the tremendous strain of my responsibilities not by turning to my Savior but by returning to my pornography addiction. 

My relapse into pornography addiction happened because I was spiritually weak and not fully committed to living the gospel daily.  It weakened me further and drove the Holy Ghost out of my life when I needed Him most.  I saw myself as a wretched, worthless excuse for a human being and felt like I was failing in every aspect of my life.  My relationship with my wife was deteriorating and we were growing farther apart.  I easily lost my temper with my children and mistreated them.  I had no real connection or emotional relationships with anyone, not even my own family.  I was not the person I wanted to be.  I knew that my actions were doing heavy damage especially in my marriage and my relationships with my children.  I felt so ashamed of having relapsed, and I thought I would lose everything I held dear if I admitted to my wife that I was caught up in addiction once again though my actions were causing me to lose it anyway.  I felt so alone.  I felt like I had no one to whom I could turn for relief.  I felt that I must bear all my burdens alone.  Even my prayers seemed to fall on deaf ears because I was doing things according to my will and not the Lord’s.  I felt unloved and abandoned by God and everyone else. 

Then after a horrible telephone conversation with my wife in which I lied and manipulated and acted selfishly and hypocritically, I realized that my life was out of control and I needed help.  I had attended ARP meetings in the past, but stopped when I thought I was finished working the steps as if I had passed it off like a merit badge.  I realized that I needed to return and work the 12 steps with greater sincerity and reliance on the Lord Jesus Christ.  I prayed and felt the Spirit for the first time in a long time telling me that I needed to call my wife and confess immediately.  So I did.  It was one of the most difficult steps I’ve ever had to take, but the Lord was finally with me because I was taking my first step back toward the path where he wanted me. 

Shamed 5K

Pornography is the Lord Voldemort of addictions.  The "addiction which must not be named".  But, as Dumbledore said, "Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself".  I mean, if someone says, "I am going to quit smoking!" that person gets a high five and a, "Hey dude that's awesome!  Good for you!".  If someone says, "I have struggled with an addiction to pornography for 20 years but I have been in recovery for 6 months now, I am so happy."  That person would be more likely to have someone avert their eyes and then change the subject.  Why is that?  Where are the high fives for that person?  Where is the support for that person?  Why are people so afraid to talk about or even acknowledge this?  Oh, I forgot...it's the Lord Voldemort of addictions...people are so afraid of it they can barely speak it's name.

The motto for the Shamed Documentary is: 

"Speak. Listen. Heal."

(More about Shamed in this blog post) 

 The experience I have had as I have shared about the Shamed Documentary is:

"Speak. Become incredibly uncomfortable. Let's never talk about this again." 

I've found that the "speak" part goes OK but the "listen" part is a little bit hard because the listener has run screaming for the hills right after I open my mouth. The listener is so shocked, terrified, and uncomfortable that they may as well have stuck their fingers in their ears, closed their eyes and said, in a little kid voice,"nanananalalalala".  Never the less I continue to try because I feel very passionate about the Shamed Documentary .  I truly believe in the positive impact it can make in the lives of individuals, families, communities and even society as a whole if it can get made and get out there. Although the original fundraising goal of $40,000 was reached, more money needs to be raised to make this amazing film a reality.

I want to help raise money for this film.  I originally wanted to invite people over to my house to watch the 30 min. rough cut video but in all honesty I do not believe that more than 3 or 4 people would come. A few very close friends who love us and that would probably be it.  I don't think I could raise very many funds that way.  So, here is the big question:  

How can you raise money for something you can't talk about?  

Here is my idea: How about a 5K run?  Would a 5K make people feel safe enough to participate and offer their support?  Could they run a 5K even if they don't feel able to speak openly about pornography?  Would a business be able to support this venture if they were able to get some advertising in return?  Could someone say..."I support this run" even though they can't say, "I am addicted to pornography" or "My life is affected by a loved one who is addicted to pornography"?  I personally know that I have participated in 5K runs where I didn't even KNOW what the cause was.  I just wanted a nice Saturday morning jog and there happened to be a 5K in my neighborhood.

Do you believe that a 5K to raise money for Shamed could be a success? Would you want to help me plan one?  Do you know how to plan one ('cuz frankly I never have)? Would you want to volunteer passing out water or bananas?  Do you know certain businesses that you think would support this cause?  Would you be brave enough to approach one and see if they would want to be a sponsor?  Would you run in this 5K?

If your answer to any of these questions is "yes" please email me at Shamed5K@gmail.com

My Best,
Faith

God Loves Me Anyway

Faith and I come from the perspective of members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, whose members are commonly referred to as Mormons.  The Church teaches the sanctity of marriage and the importance of chastity.  These views are increasingly at odds with what the secular world teaches.

In Matthew 5:48, Jesus said, “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.”  This is a tall order and as a member of the Church I find myself thinking that I have to become perfect now, in this life.  But it has been made abundantly clear to me that this perfection isn’t going to be reached in mortality, but in immortality as made possible through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  That doesn’t mean I can give up, but that I must always strive to improve myself while not getting discouraged or distracted.  That is still hard, but it IS possible.  Jesus Christ will make up what I lack and I can be perfected in Him.  

Because of that false sense of needing to be perfect right now in all things, I’ve found myself putting up a façade of perfection, that everything is perfect.  I’m perfect, my life is perfect, my family is perfect.  I don’t have any problems and I don’t need anyone’s help because I’m perfect.  Obviously this is a charade, but I've see it in others too.  I know that I’m not really perfect, and that I’ve got plenty of problems and that my family has suffered because of my addiction to pornography.  Since I feel this amazing pressure to be/appear perfect, I've constructed a web of lies to make it seem real.  Since I knew I was living a double life, I was afraid of anyone penetrating the mask and finding out the truth.  I've experienced an unbearable sense of shame when I've thought about what would happen if anyone finds out.

One thing that is common to pornography addicts is that overpowering sense of shame.  Shame is different than guilt.  Guilt is the knowledge that I have done or am doing something wrong.  Shame is the debilitating sense that others finding that out will be the worst and most devastating thing to ever happen in my life.  Guilt can lead me to seek help to change for the better.  Shame isolates me and prevents me from seeking help and will not allow me to change for the better, only for the worse.  I am intimately familiar with both guilt and shame.  

I'm tired of being ashamed and always thinking "What will people think if they find out?"  I’m tired of telling myself lies that they will ostracize me and hate me for what I’ve done.  I’m tired of living in fear and always trying to hide from or skirt the issue of pornography addiction, or the fact that I attend weekly recovery meetings.

I’m not afraid anymore because I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me and that other people still love me and see the good in me.  I’m learning to see the good in me too and I’m finally feeling the love that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have for me.  I know that healing can also come to everyone who has been affected by pornography addiction.  That path is through Jesus Christ.  He said “I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me (John 14:6).”

Hi. My name is Dan.

Hi.  My name is Dan, and I'm a recovering addict to pornography.  For anyone who's ever been to a 12 step meeting, that or one like it is a very familiar sentence.  This is a sentence I've become accustomed to repeating on a weekly basis for some time now.  But this is the first time I've openly repeated it in a public forum such as this. 

Let me back up a little.  I said a phrase in that first sentence which you may not understand, "recovering addict".  A recovering addict is someone who is not currently acting out in their addiction.  I personally have a good chunk of sobriety behind me.  The term "sobriety" is used by addicts of all persuasions in the same sense that alcohol addicts commonly use it.  "Acting out" is a term used when someone is actively practicing their addiction.  An "addict" is someone who's life and behaviors are controlled by chemical dependencies in the brain's pleasure centers.  An addict does not have to be addicted to a chemical introduced to the body, such as through drug, tobacco, or alcohol use.  An addict can be addicted to chemicals naturally produced by the brain from non-substance related activities.  Common "natural" addictions are to food, gambling, shopping, video games, and pornography. 

So now that we've got all these definitions behind us, let me repeat myself.  My name is Dan, and I'm a recovering addict to pornography.