Hitting rock-bottom...literally

I was finished up with with work on a project and decided to return to the office and take a less used back road rather than the better maintained main road. As I approached a large ravine I could see that the dirt road was mostly washed out and impassable at the bottom. Realizing I needed to turn around and take the main road after all, I identified a spot ahead of me where I would have enough space to maneuver and reverse course.  Directly in front of me was (what looked to me) a small washout which my company truck could easily cross.  I began to move the vehicle forward when the front passenger wheel dropped sharply and I ceased to move forward. The "small" washout was larger and deeper than I had anticipated and four wheel drive could not move me forward or backward. I was stuck.

I said a quick prayer asking Heavenly Father to help me ge out and the first thought which came to my mind was to walk the two or three miles back to the project location where others were still working and ask for help. I dismissed this and decided I didn't have to bother anyone and could probably get myself out. I got my shovel and began trying to dig the truck out. After considerable effort, I realized that the front skid plate was hung up on a hidden rock. The thought occurred to me that I had literally hit rock bottom. The way the vehicle was balanced gave me absolutely no meaningful traction and each attempt to move the car resulted in me literally spinning my wheels. 

I remembered E. Bednar's talk about an increased load giving traction so I tried to place as many large rocks in the back of the truck to bring the spinning wheels back into contact with the ground. But I couldn't find enough rocks to make a meaningful difference. I then figured I could use the jack to lift the lowest part of the vehicle and lower the free spinning wheels, but when I opened the compartment that should hold the jack and tools, it was empty.

After two hours of digging and moving rocks in the hot summer sun, I was exhausted and out of options. So I said another prayer asking for help. In the exact way as before, the prompting came to me that I should walk back and ask for help. Humbled and realizing that I should have just done that in the first place, I packed some water in my backpack and started hiking. 

The walk gave me time to ponder my situation. I didn't follow the initial prompting because of my pride. I didn't want to show others my inadequacies or foolishness at getting stuck. I didn't want to feel embarrassed that I didn't try any of the several other options I had to get myself out. I didn't want others to think I was giving up, or unprepared, or incompetent. It was fear and pride which kept me from following a spiritual prompting.

Then my thoughts turned to another time I had hit "rock bottom". Though now in recovery, my addiction to pornography brought me to a similar point spiritually. For years, nothing I tried on my own could give me much sobriety. Simply praying and suffering by myself was as effective as fruitlessly digging and spinning my wheels. All the promptings I received as answers to those prayers were essentially the same: confess and ask for help. But my fear and pride got in the way then too. I was afraid of what people would think, what they would say. I was afraid of losing my wife and children. I was afraid of what it would take and how hard it would be to confess and repent. But I reached a point where I knew I had no other options. A point where the pain of the addiction was more than the pain of the healing. That's when I confessed to my wife and my bishop and began attending 12 Step Addiction Recovery meetings sponsored by LDS Family Services.

Through the Addiction Recovery Program, I learned how to truly repent and access the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I finally found the relief and healing I needed by looking outside of myself, letting go of my pride and asking for help.  

Now in strong recovery, I still study and apply the principles of the 12 Steps to my daily life. I enjoy the companionship of the Holy Ghost and a life of greater peace and happiness than ever before. Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I feel greater love for my Savior, others, and myself. 

Before long, I arrived back at the work site and was able to find someone with a tow chain and truck who could pull my vehicle out of the ditch. Within 15 minutes I was on the road again moving toward my physical destination and rejoicing in the spiritual lessons this experience taught me.

Honesty and Truth

I LOVE the 12 step program so much!  The first Step in the LDS Addiction Recovery Program (ARP) Pornography Addiction Support Group (PASG) meetings is Honesty and the fourth is Truth.  Wow.  Honesty and truth.  Those are such powerful words.  As I have tried to live and understand these two principles my life has become more empowered, has greater meaning, is filled with more confidence, and less anxiety, and has the potential for great love and more meaningful relationships with others.  As I am willing to be honest with myself, REALLY HONEST, God will teach me things that I need to know and understand.  As if he were my personal psychotherapist or something (can you think of a better one to have?).  He opens my eyes and unfolds things to my understanding when I am ready to be really honest and to accept the truth.  I am learning to not be afraid of being honest.  I am learning to love the truth not run away from it or be afraid to face it.  I am learning not to be afraid to speak the truth and follow the path that God has for me.  "And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free". John 8:32

I am currently listening to, for the second time (and not the last) the audiobook "The Seven Wonders That Will Change Your Life" by Glenn Beck and Keith Ablow, M.D.  My sis-in-law told Dan that she was reading it and that it was changing her and her husband's life.  Dan listened to it and he told me that the book was great.  I speculatively listened to it.  I thought it was outrageous how the authors said that it would change my life.  I doubted it could.  But you know what...it has.  I think that the reason it is so powerful is that it focuses so much on truth and honesty in our lives (Steps 1 and 4 of the ARP).  It really resonated with me because it is the story of an alcoholic and cocaine addict (Glenn Beck) who lost everything...his family and even his will to live and how he let honesty, truth, a 12 step program and the atonement of Jesus Christ change his life.  He found the truth, he learned from his mistakes, he built a new life, he became a new man and now he influences millions of people as he speaks honestly to the American public through radio, television, internet, and magazines.  He has built a truly wonderful and meaningful life and he came from laying in the fetal position on his shag green carpet as a divorced addict on Christmas Eve contemplating suicide.  Wow!!  He is such a good example of being honest and telling the truth.  He is one of the people who has inspired me to be truthful about my life, myself, my story and be able to share it with others. He helped me to know that my life can make a difference.  That I can make a difference in the lives of others who suffer from the effects of pornography addiction if I will speak the truth and be honest.  Oh, how I love this book!!

A few quotes from it that are meaningful to me:

There appears to be a conscience in mankind which severely punishes the man who does not somehow and at some time, at whatever cost to his pride, cease to defend and assert himself, and instead confess himself fallible and human.  Until he can do this, an impenetrable wall shuts him out from the living experience of feeling himself a man among men.  Here we find a key to the great significance of true, unstereotyped confession - a significance known in all the initiation and mystery cults of the ancient world, as shown by a saying from the Greek Mysteries: "Give up what thou hast, and thou will receive."
~Carl Jung

"Pretty crazy, right?  Not really.  By sharing your truth with others, you are empowered.  I know Glenn has experienced this first hand.  He often talks about the fact that he has felt stronger after allowing others insight into times when he was weak.  There is no defeat in admitting your fear and pain.  It is, in fact, in feeling and facing these emotions, in embracing your humanity and vulnerability, rather than denying these qualities, that you find genuine courage.  Because you find yourself connected to all of humanity."
(The Seven Wonders That Will Change Your Life pg. 41)

It takes courage to be honest and tell the truth.  Here is a quote about courage: "Courage is a gift that is often opened with trembling hands and it can come in many different forms....Finding the courage inside you is finding God.  And God helps clear the way for your purest and best intentions.....We all -every single one of us- have moments in life that call upon us to demonstrate courage, to say what we really mean and do what we believe is the right thing to do, even when it is very, very difficult.  These moments are not accidents.  They are moments when you are being tapped on the shoulder of God of Fate or Love or whatever force in the universe that speaks to you and gives your existence meaning.  You are being pressed to bring the best of yourself to life."
(The Seven Wonders That Will Change Your Life pgs. 43-45)

I truly believe that this is what needs to happen with pornography addiction. I think that as people are willing to admit they are human and have follies and sins the shame of pornography addiction will go away and people will be able to get help and families will heal.  I feel like this is something I can do.  I believe I can make a difference.  If this cause moves you I invite you to speak honestly and help become part of the solution and help dispel the shame.

Love,
Faith