Hi. My name is Dan and I'm a recovering addict to
pornography. Step four was really hard
for me. I knew I had to do it and I knew
that it was vital to my recovery. I
didn't want to slip-up or relapse. I
wanted full recovery, so I took counsel from the ARP manual and prayed for
comfort, courage, and guidance. I
couldn't write it all in one go, so I worked on it a little every day along
with my scripture study. Before
beginning, I would pray asking for the comfort, courage, and guidance I needed
to be able to work on it. And when I was
done for the day, I would pray again expressing thanks for the help I'd
received. I found that many things
needing to be inventoried would come to my mind, so in the back of the notebook
I was using, I would write short prompts which I could refer to later. It took me several months to finish.
As
I was working step four, I felt that I should go back and read my old
journals. One thing I've done well since
I was 13 was writing in my journal (almost) daily. As I'd written in my journals I'd wondered
who would ever want to read the boring and embarrassing account of my
life. But I realized that I hadn't
written them for anyone else, that I was my own intended audience. Through my journals I was able to remember
things that should have gone in my inventory.
But more than that, through reading my journals I was able to get to
know myself and my past, both the bad and the good.
As
I read through my teenage years, my heart reached out to that young man. I understood the pain and loneliness he was
feeling. I wanted to hug him and tell
him that the feelings of worthlessness he was feeling weren't from the
Lord. I wanted to tell him that the
things he deeply desired, forgiveness, freedom from addiction, and being able
to feel love would come. As I read about
the life of this young man, I began to see him as a beloved son of an Eternal
Father. I shared some of these feelings
with Faith and she asked me, "Do you love him?" I was dumbfounded. I did
love him. Soon it dawned on me that that
young man was me. For the first time in my life, I really began
to believe that I was worth loving and that I loved myself.
President
Dieter F. Uchtdorf shared these words in the 2010 April General Conference:
"One woman who had been through years of trial and sorrow said through her
tears, 'I have come to realize that I am like an old 20-dollar bill—crumpled,
torn, dirty, abused, and scarred. But I am still a 20-dollar bill. I am worth
something.'" Working on my step 4
inventory and reading my journals was one of the most difficult and painful
things I've ever undertaken, but it was infinitely worth it because of the
blessings I have received through it.
